When YOU choose to leave your spouse and divorce, how do you get over the pain?
Bet most do not think that one goes through pain when they are the one who leaves. Even though most people will not talk about that little issue, some really do have doubts, fears and pain, from a choice to leave their spouse.
The usual response from an outsider is, "How could you end your marriage?"
That is a loaded question, one that must be considered case by case.
In choosing to leave his marriage, James anguished over the decision. He was not in another relationship or even thinking of one.
For as long as he had known his spouse, she had experienced severe, emotional issues, but refused to admit that she needed treatment. Because of his beliefs in the sanctity of marriage, he bit his lip, covered his pain and fears and limped on in his "marriage that wasn't" for fifteen years.
Three trial separations, served only to give a reprieve for him to breathe in peace and for her, a time to consider what she would lose if she continued to be abusive in words and actions. Her response was to plead for him to come home and a promise to change.
Each time he relented. A period of semi-peace would prevail, then "normalcy" returned; a "normalcy" that was not normal for the average person.
When the emotional turmoil began to take a toll on his health, he made the hard decision to remove himself from the site of his sickness. He worked on improving his physical condition, then made the final decision to leave the marriage.
Re-establishing a home away from the source of his pain, brought some comfort in one way, but in another a new source of discomfort began. He went through an intense examination of conscience. Doubts hung around his sub-conscious. Questions like:
- · Did I do the right thing?
- · Was I at fault, as she implied? Counseling did not work, because she would not continue.
- · Will people believe me when I tell them why? She can be so dramatically convincing and sweet when she puts her mind to it.
- · Will she be all right?
- · I did not know I would be this lonely. Did I make a mistake?
- · Where do I go from here, alone?
- How do I make a new life for myself?
He suspected that staying could have turned into a physical danger to him. He expected nothing would change just by his staying, the past had proven that. In his gut he was sure their failing marriage was not his fault, as she had said. Staying would only facilitate her weakness. She had to face her own realities. He could not do that for her. Destroying his personal things with an ax, spoke of danger, he knew that. Would he be the next object of her anger? At this point, he was ready to give up everything that they had accumulated in their fifteen years. Nothing material was of value anymore, only peace of mind mattered.On the outside looking in, one may have never seen the signs, never knew the fear or dangers that lurked in this marriage. Making judgments is a human response, but perhaps a sign of our own failing humanity.
People like James are to be approached with gentleness and caring, not dishonor. Listening before speaking with reproach, is a gift. Offering friendship and understanding is the preferred response to finger-pointing.
What were Jesus' words... "Judge not lest ye be judge!"
James in his search for peace has moved on to doing good for others without a need to be replenished. He wants to do what is right in the eyes of his God. His professed feelings of guilt only go to show that his heart is pure, that he has feelings for a person who has done harm to him both physically and mentally, yet he is willing to consider her welfare and not hold malice towards her.
He just cannot abide with her in the same space. And he does not.
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