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    « SOME DON’TS FOR DIVORCING PARENTS | Main | ENDING THE MARRIAGE, WHEN YOU'RE THE PARTY WHO CHOOSES DIVORCE, WHAT ABOUT THE GUILT? »

    May 12, 2008

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    Ryan Wade

    Hey Pat,

    I just wanted to thank you for your comment on my ezinearticles page.

    Thanks for the uplifting words!

    Have a wonderful day,

    Ryan

    di

    I have been formally divorce almost a year. The end of the marrige took place way back in 2004. There are still finance issues, he never keeps his word, or his signed signature on final papers. He is in bankruptcy, he hid money, purchase property, and just know how to get away with things.. he was unfaithful I found out many times. It is beyond anger, rage or disappointment. It just is what it is... I feel like the suffering is over, then I get a jolt of feeling the overwhelming pain of the divorce all over again. Mostly because he was involved with someone else prior to leaving the house, I wanted him out of house because he wanted to stay in the plan the divorce, not discussion just secret planning... no honesty at all. He has lousy relationship with our kids due to the way he did things. I was not alway graceful, I did put the children first, and I attempted to be ok.. as be the adult take the high road.. there comes a place however where self respect has to come into play. I just got a call from my brother in law he invited my ex to his son christenting... he felt like we could not attend as my ex is coming with his gf who my children have never meet and do not want to meet. He wanted to invite us, but fear it would be difficult and he did not want his wife upset or to upset the party.
    I can be civil, but my children do not want to meet the gf.. she has been less then kind, and is someone who he knew and worked with... she knew he was married, she meet all of kids, he was in her first weddding in the bridal party. It rings of some form of incest. I have tried the good divorce parenting psycho babble.. I do not bad mouth her or him to the kids. I am honest this gf does not value that parent should parent in the same place, she never like me while I was married to my ex and make that plain, she advocates for divorce, and she just does not get the pain she has had a part in at all. My ex is cruel to point of just wanting everyone including the our children to see him happy in his new life.. he rubs it in to the degree you have wonder is that empty headed or purely cruel. I always feel like there is a fresh wound, and my children get the worst of the fallout.. they want to see the new cousin, they want to part of the ex family but despite his bad behavior they still put him first, and I guess the call was sort attempting to sort out my feeling and make sure the girls could handle it if they came. It still hurts, and I do not want to hurt. I want to be able to just move on. My ex does not discuss anything with my children, ignores there discomfort with his affair while married and continued relationship. They feel like he just never considers them at all, he just come to town from 2000 to 3000 miles and expects them to be available. They are teens and a preteen, they dislike his actions , and they dislike him... they have enough self respect not to accept so little most of the time. He does not get it. I know that he has the right to share his new life with his family, and I am not jealous.. I just hate the pain it causes my kids. I also resent that he and his gf do not even consider the children. It is always all about them.. how do I cope, how to do I do the right thing.

    I am not perfect and truth does come out of all this.. he left the marriage but he left the children. He blames me, he lies to everyone about our marriage and the divorce. I no longer feel the need to prove that at all. I just hope he get found out... my children see through him in ways that unnerve me... because I know how much it hurts them.

    Help... I make vows was imperfect but made every attempt to stay married. I love him no matter what, I was a doormat, gave up so much to be abused!! He made the choice to leave the marriage in cowardly way, he disrespected me, and just not parent. He was abusive with words, and hands. When does it end? The pain, the suffering, because I want a life that is not about divorce. I want my kids happy, and I want put all of this away from me. I do not want to handle the phone calls from his family. I sort appeciated that they thought about it, but mostly they just want to avoid discomfort for themselves. I do not want to be on the merry go round any more. I am seeing this clearly?

    Please help....

    Di

    Pat

    Hi di,
    Wow, Did you marry my Ex? Ha. Your letter is quite long and needs a lot of explaination. Is it possible to send an email to you at the address I have here? If so, I could better answer some of your questions.

    If not, first of all, it appears that you were married to a very immature person who apparently has not grown an inch since your divorce. Betrayal, lieing, not paying for the support of your own flesh and blood, much less not having any contact with them, all scream of an extremely immature, self-centered person.

    To make matters worse, he has connected with a person who sounds as if she has the exact same values as him, or lack thereof.
    Know that you will NOT be able to change them. They are happy in their own oblivion and will most likely remain that way forever.

    Unfortunately when divorce happens, it usually means a divorce from the extended family, also. Blood IS thicker than water. Even if they genuinely like you, they will most likely choose family. If you don't go to the Christening, your children may be able to see their cousin at a later date, without all the emotional turmoil going on.

    Social Services or Child Protective Services should be able to go after him if he is not giving you support. Some states are different. You should make a few phone calls to get the support ball rolling.
    If you have computer access, search Child Support Regulations, in your state. Do some research and you may be led to a solution.

    Remember that your children have suffered the same feelings you are going trough. They have been betrayed, ignored, and cheated on, in that money that should have been used for their support is going to a stranger who in effect stole their father from them. They are angry, hurt and feel abandoned. You do not need to say anything derogatory about him, THEY KNOW IT ALREADY. Just assure them that you love them and will not leave them also.

    If you could move away from that environment and start a new life as if he never existed, you would be better off, but that may not be possible. Just try to begin thinking of just you and your children. Put an invisible shield between you and him and his girlfriend. Straighten your back bone up tall and say, "I can do this alone." Believe me you will be better off and will feel happier for it.
    Ask yourself, "If I met him today, would I be interested in him, knowing what I do about him?" I'll bet the answer would be a resounding "NO!"
    Work on creating a new, self-confident you. One that you will be proud of knowing.
    You may find some answers if you read some of my articles at Ezine Articles.com Just write Patricia Hubbard in quotes in the Google Search bar. When you get there, there will be a lot of articles by another Patricia Hubbard. Choose the one with the EzineArticles link. That will lead you to my articles. They all deal with divorce and loss due to death of a spouse.
    Don't give up. Keep in touch.
    Pat

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